She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
