They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
