sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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