i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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