I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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