i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
