There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
sarcasm needs its own font
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
