i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
