Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
