i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
