How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
