I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
