I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
