if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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