Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
