I met the friendliest cop last night
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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