Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
