i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
