went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
