Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
