I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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