i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
