Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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