I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
