I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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