Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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