why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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