Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
