I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
