My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
