watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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