remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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