omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize