i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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