I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I don't deserve a penis
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize