Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
