Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
