i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
