Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
