Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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