Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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