I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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