do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
