I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
