I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
