how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
