running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
