That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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