I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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