I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The beer is more important than you right now.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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