You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
