on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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