My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
