Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
