I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
