Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
